“it would cause the slow withering death of my soul” + 75 other ways to say No
1. I’ll be out of town.
2. I’ll be out of the country.
3. I’ll be frolicking through strawberry fields. Frolicking, I tell you!
4. I know I’m not the best person for that, you should ask ______.
5. I can’t do that.
6. I could do that, but then I’d have to kill you.
7. You don’t want to do that.
8. It’s not my thing. Now, figure skating is my thing…
9. I’m already overextended, and I wouldn’t want to do a mediocre job.
10. The idea is bad and you must be punished.
11. It’s not a priority for me at this time.
12. Have to jet, but thanks for asking.
13. I’ll call you.
14. Seriously, I’ll call you.
15. I’ve done it before and I didn’t enjoy it.
16. I’d rather stick needles in my eyes.
17. Or your eyes.
18. Let me check my schedule.
19. My schedule is up in the air right now. See it wafting gently down the corridor.
20. My schedule appears to have been devoured by wild dogs.
21. I don’t love it, which means I’m not the right person for it.
22. I have problems with commitment.
23. Commitment has problems with me.
24. I would prefer to do something else.
25. I would prefer another option.
26. I would prefer a night with Keanu Reeves, but that’s just me. Never mind.
27. I’ll have to check with Dude.
28. Dude would smack me upside the head, strap me down and force me to listen to Mariah Carey.
29. Let me consult with the fam. Which, as you know, is short for ‘family’.
30. I need more information on this.
31. I don’t want to hold you up/slow you down, so go ahead and try someone else.
32. I love it, but I know in my gut I’m not the person to execute.
33. I would be the absolute worst person to execute, are you on crack?
34. This is a joke. Right?
35. Life is too short to do things you don’t love.
36. Life is too short to do things that bleed your eyes out.
37. I no longer do things that make me want to kill myself.
38. I’ll do it for a gajillion dollars.
39. I’ll be taking salsa lessons with my evil twin.
40. Talk to my lawyer.
41. Talk to my business manager.
42. Talk to my dog. His name is Sparky.
43. Talk to me again in six months.
44. I can’t do it now, but maybe later.
45. You should do this yourself, you would be awesome sauce.
46. My ladyballs are not that big.
47. I am not The One for whom you have been searching.
48. You should speak to this other dude. Let me hook you up.
49. I have a date. Yes. Stop laughing.
50. You want someone who enjoys this kind of thing, and that’s not me.
51. I need to focus on my career right now.
52. I need to focus on my personal life right now.
53. I need to focus on my origami right now.
54. I need coffee.
55. I need to be free…with the wind in my hair….
56. I need to focus on one project at a time.
57. I would love to say yes to everything, but that would be stupid.
58. I’m not comfortable with that.
59. I would like to go in a different direction.
60. I am disturbed by your excessive use of smiley faces.
61. Some things have come up that need my attention.
62. Fuck no.
63. My instincts tell me I’m just not suitable for this.
64. There’s an appropriate person for this kind of thing – and then there’s me.
65. I’m not taking on any new responsibilities right now.
66. I am taking on new responsibilities, just not this one.
67. There is a person who totally kicks ass at this. I am not that person.
68. Perhaps we should eat.
69. Perhaps we should have the wild monkey sex. I didn’t mean to say that out loud.
70. It would cause the slow withering death of my soul.
71. I’m too distracted by that zit in the center of your forehead. It’s like a unicorn horn!!!
73. Please no.
74. My eyes!!! My eyes!!!
75. Shoot me now.
76. I didn’t mean literally shoot me, you moron.